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The Real Laws

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Coworker #1: The Real Laws
1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Variation Law – If you change lines (supermarket or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with whom you don’t want to be seen.
8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theater & Sporting Events – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. YMCA’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
15. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
16. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it.
18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, and by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
09:33 AM – May 21
 
Replier #1: I’m not sure of the name, but you left off the one where, if you’ve held onto some odd spare part, tool, or extra scrap of material for years, it will become essential within a week of being discarded.
10:12 AM – May 21
 
Coworker #1: Good one. It can be called the “Law of Spare Parts”.
10:27 AM – May 21
 
Replier #2: I have one: Law of the D.C. metro – The probability of the metro being delayed increases dramatically when you have to be home at a certain time and the amount of delay is directly proportional to how important your plans are.
11:03 AM – May 21
 
Replier #3: There’s a corollary to the Law of Spare Parts that if a mechanic rebuilds enough carburetors, there will be enough left over parts to make a new one entirely.
12:34 AM – May 22